SHOPPING FOR THE APOCALYPSE:

These Boots are made for _____________

We may have a little while yet before the apocalypse hits, so why not start our preparations with a little shopping? Before you start building a bunker in your backyard, consider this: you aren’t home during the day, while working, or shopping. In fact, for some people, sleep might be the only time they are at home. So, being ultra-conservative here, you might only have a one-in-three chance of being in your home when an Apocalypse hits.

This demonstrates the clear need to have your personal gear in line long before you fortify your home (which you might have to abandon anyway).

So what’s the most important thing to have in a survival situation? The one item that you can’t fabricate from nature?

Boots.

Put me nekkid in the woods, I’ll find two sticks and can make a fire. Oh sure, I might be cold, sunburned and wishing for a fig leaf, but I could survive with my barehands if I had to. But what about my bare feet?

Well, growing up I had a cousin who lived on a farm and regularly ran around in his barefeet. His soles were so tough I saw him step on barbed wire and not get cut. But I can’t do that. Bruce Willis demonstrated the delicateness of the civilized foot to dramatic effect in the 1988 film "Die Hard".

I’m not calling for anyone to shuck their shoes and start working on toughening their instep. You might not have the time to do it. No, I’m pointing out that modern man has grown used to shoes, and our feet would suffer without them. For this reason, boots are the first thing you need to have ready for the Apocalypse.

If oil runs out, or streets or clogged, or you crash on the highway retreating to a bunker out in the middle of nowhere, you’re going to find yourself doing some walking. Do you have a pair of shoes on that could comfortably carry you many, many miles?

Even if you have a pair of sneakers in the trunk, or at the office for part of your daily exercise routine, how long would they last after civilization has fallen? A month? A year? And what about when there’s harsh winter conditions? Or you have to walk through ankle-deep water? Can your sneakers hold up? What if you find yourself walking through debris that used to be a home or building? Will that rubber, air-cushion tread repel nails?

No, the best footwear for the Apocalypse are boots.

Boots have been around for a long time. Soldiers use them regularly, putting lots and lots of miles on what are often referred to as "LPCs"- Leather Personnel Carriers. Boots have soles meant for long walks, provide ankle support for extended time on your feet, and can protect your ankles and feet from debris that would slice through socks and pants.

So what kind of boots should you have?

If you were just planning on a lot of hiking, hiking boots might work well. Ankle and high-top hiking boots are comfortable, lightweight, and often water repellant. And on open or broken ground, they might make running a lot easier. But again, the tennis-shoe-like construction might not lend well to years of use.

Combat boots, mid-calf, leather boots might sound good. Soldiers wear them, they’re made to last, and many have steel shanks in the soles to protect against spikes or nails you might step on. But they’re very heavy, and not something you might wear on a daily basis. In an apocalypse could you get to them?

Work boots might be high on your list. With steel shanks and steel toes, you might think these rugged boots would protect your feet from just about anything- and could double as weapons in a pinch. But they’re also heavy and not necessarily designed for prolonged walking. Worse, if something does fall on your foot, the steel toe, once crushed in, won’t rebound and you could find your toes amputated.

For me, the best all around boot has always been the "tennis shoe boot". Magnumboots.com is a good example of this type of boot-sneaker hybrid that has a comfortable sole, but is built like a military boot. I’ve owned a single pair for 18 years, and they still aren’t worn out (four years of that time I wore them everyday). Of course, the pair I have is very old, lacking a steel shank or a zipper.

A zipper? Yes, the magnum boots (and numerous other brands) have incorporated a zipper in addition to laces. This allows you to adjust for fit with laces, then remove the boots quickly (proper foot care does not involve wearing your boots for days on end). However, if you don’t pick a pair of boots with an integral zipper, you can always add a zipper.

What color should your apocalyptic boots be? You might think this is unimportant, happy to just have boots that fit and are comfortable when hiking in search of food or shelter, but it can be important. Tan, desert style boots can get pretty dirty, and their crushed leather finish could soak up a lot of undesirable fluids- like blood, urine, or toxic fluids. Black or brown boots might have a smoother finish, that could be treated with shoe polish, creating a water barrier that would tend to make fluids spill off without soaking in.

Winter or summer boots? This might sound like an odd question also, but if these are the only shoes you’re going to own for the last thirty years of your life, you might want to take the time to plan ahead. Cold weather boots might be swell in northern climates, or during the next ice age, but if you will ever end up in hot conditions, your feet might not want to be surrounded with layers of thinsulate or goretex. Heat and sweat is bad for the feet, as plenty of World War II soldiers in the Pacific theater could attest. Jungle Rot was a foot problem that cost plenty of soldiers their toes.

On the other hand, breathable boots that wick sweat away from the foot and are super lightweight might be no better than sandals when winter hits. Frostbite takes quite a few toes as well.

The obvious solution to this answer is the same as for coats: layering. Thick wool socks, inside goretex socks, inside waterproof, hot weather boots should provide formidable protection from the cold. All those extra socks have the benefit of being carryable in a backpack or pockets. And are a lot lighter than a second pair of boots. If that still isn’t enough, there are gaiters- insulated leggings that slip over your boots like giant socks and which keep hunters toasty warm all day long. Avoid battery-powered socks however, as batteries will be scarce during the apocalypse.

The best insulated sock I’ve ever owned was the Rocky Gore-tex Oversock . Worn over regular socks, these "booties" kept your feet warm and dry. They can still be found online, but may not be made anymore. Insulated socks can be found in any sporting goods store and are quite well made, primarily for hunters.

Whatever boot you do decide on, don’t wait for the apocalypse to break them in. Wearing your boots for a few days can loosen them up and make them quite comfortable for when you do need them.

APOCALYPTIC 101

The economy is tanking. War is erupting in the middle east. Barack Obama is coming to the White House. And 2012, the end of the Mayan calender, is just around the corner. The Apocalypse is coming.

Okay, maybe the Apocalypse isn’t coming, but what if it was? Would you be ready for it? Could you survive? Would you want to survive? Personally, I’d rather live in comfort than squeak by in some neolithic lifestyle, remembering the internet and electricity.

Clearly, the first step in facing the Apocalypse is knowledge. You’ve got to know how to recognize an Apocalypse when it happens. If civilization collapses and you machine gun intruders in your front yard, you’re really not going to get in much trouble. However, if what you have is a temporary, localized disaster and you gun down possible looters, when civilization is restored, you’re going to have some ‘splaining to do.

So right off the bat, before you start reading up on survival manuals and stocking your fallout shelter with food, water and toilet paper, you need to know what signs to look for in an impending Apocalypse.

Lesson Number 1: Apocalypses are Forever
A disaster doesn’t always turn into an apocalypse. But it can. So the first step in recognizing an Apocalyptic event is understanding the scope of the disaster before you.
All disasters fall can be classified by scope and duration.

An incident is a sudden, short-lived disaster, typically lasting less than a day, which should not ordinarily result in death. Most survival situations, like getting lost in the woods, or crashing your car in a remote area are incidents.

A catastrophe is an event of limited duration, the effects of which eventually fade or can be repaired, and in which death is to be expected. Examples of catastrophes might be Hurricanes, or crashing on a deserted island.

Disasters come in different sizes, too. A localized disaster is an event that affects an area small enough to leave on foot. A regional disaster covers such a large area you will at least need a vehicle to escape the effects. And finally, a global event affects the entire planet. There’s nowhere to run.

If you find yourself in the midst of a disaster taking place on a global scale, and from which recovery seems highly unlikely, you’ve got yourself an Apocalypse. Civilization is gone and now it’s up to you and yours to survive.

LESSON 2: APOCALYPTIC SCENARIOS
Enviromentalists would have us believe that the earth is starting a slow spiral into a global warming apocalypse. That eventually the icecaps will melt and the Earth will drown. Even if that were true, it’s going to take quite a while, and mankind should have plenty of time to prepare and cope. Sure, we might be living on large floating cities, or underground, or even on moonbases, but slowly rising sea levels just aren’t enough to snuff out civilization.

Similarly, an impending iceage isn’t going to do it either. Maybe the small minority of climatoligists are right and the Earth is about to plunge into another ice age. That’s a problem for those of us living far away from the equator. But for those folks south of Mexico, this just isn’t going to be a problem. If it starts getting cold where you are, move South. You won’t be running from swift glaciers. You’ll have plenty of seasons to get going.

Earth impacts were pretty popular in films a few years ago. Talk of asteroid impacts were pretty rampant and Hollywood showed us all the terrible ways mankind would be snuffed out should "the big one" hit. Of course, the logic of this scenario tells us that either we’ll all be killed instantly, or that the area of damage is small enough and far enough away that civilization will return for those who didn’t get impacted.

Plague, Viruses and Biological warfare were good scares throughout the 1980s. "Outbreak" and Stephen King’s "The Stand" painted pretty bleak pictures of what could happen if a mankind-killing bug got out. Again, this is a damned or not-damned scenario. If you do succumb, you’re gone. If you don’t, you can’t be so rare a blood type that others won’t survive as well. This global catastrophe may seem like an Apocalypse, but eventually, mankind- those who were immune- will rebuild.

The Zombie uprising is super popular in film and books. But really, is it likely to happen? If the dead did arise, would they be unstoppable? Would they be hungry for your brains? Yes, a cinematic zombie apocalypse would be pretty bad, and it would clearly kill civilization as we know it, what with all the lifestyle changes that would ensue. But realistically speaking, there are so many holes in this scenario that it just doesn’t seem like something worrying about, unless you just want to be sure that your last few days on earth are spent comfortably.

Alien invasion periodically pops up in film and media. An invasion by an extraterrestrial race would indeed create global changes. But why would Aliens invade? If to eat us, they sure are spending a lot of resources to get here. When was the last time you saw An American fly to Australia for a cheeseburger? Maybe they want slaves or natural resources? Well, if they do, and they absorb us into their civilization, it’s not really an apocalypse, it’s a change in lifestyle. Finally, if they decide they just don’t want humans stinking up the cosmos, there’s probably little we could do to stop them from killing every last one of us, considering they have the technology and resources to get here in the first place.

Global Thermonuclear Warfare was perhaps the first modern vision of an apocalypse in the 1950s. A whole generation grew up worried about having to duck and cover when the Red Menace unleashed their missiles on America. While there are now other nations capable of nuking America, you’ve got to wonder if they really would. If they’re looking for natural resources, raining a bunch of nukes down isn’t so smart. Basically, the only real nuclear threat to worry about is a bunch of crazy towelheads with one or two nukes trying to teach us infidels a lesson. And while the loss of one or two American cities might not be so great, it isn’t going to topple Western civilization. Even if Iran got their way and all infidel western nations were nuked into dust, there would still be other places habitable in the world, and the Muslim civilizations, as whacky as they may be, would remain.

"The Road Warrior" was a classic post-apocalyptic movie envisioning a world with little to no oil. And it is true that modern civilization runs on oil and electricity. But would the end of oil really collapse ALL the world’s governments? Wouldn’t alternative power sources provide for the basic structure of civilization in most areas? Civilization lasted for many thousands of years without electricty. Still, taking away power- the kind that runs our TVs- could lead to a series of wars around the globe, reducing the bulk of the planet to an anarchy-riddled society much like regions of Africa today.

Armageddon, the Biblical end of the world is the last main form of Apocalypse to consider. The first apocalypse really envisioned, the prophecy of the End Times has worried people for years and years. The general Christian consensus is that 7 years of of tribulation will precede the end of the world. The only really sure way to avoid that is to get out a Bible, start reading it now and become a Christian. Then, per the Book of Revelations, when the world is destroyed and a new earth created, you’ll be fine. Otherwise, your heathen behind might be getting hot for quite a while.

So there you have it, an overview of just what the apocalypse could mean for you. Most scenarios are virtually impossible. The rest are highly unlikely, or are of such short duration that all you really need to worry about is making yourself comfortable until they blow over. That’s where you need to develop your thrival skills. Survival just isn’t good enough for me. I want to live in air conditioned comfort, with clean socks and plenty of tasty food. And that will take some planning.

DISASTER 101

Recognizing Danger

(PART 1: OVERVIEW)

When disaster strikes, how you respond will greatly be determined by exactly what the disaster is.Blankets might help in a Sudden Ice Age, but they won’t do a whole lot of good to fend off a horde of rampaging zombies.

The first thing to remember is that all disasters fall are classified by scope and duration:

• INCIDENT: A sudden, short-lived disaster, typically lasting less than a day, which should not ordinarily result in death.
• CATASTROPHE: An event of limited duration, the effects of which eventually fade or can be repaired and in which death is to be expected.
• APOCALYPSE; an event that destroys civilization leaving little help of rebuilding. Survival is the sole important factor.
• LOCALIZED; a localized event that affects an area small enough to leave on foot.
• REGIONAL; an event covering such a large area you will at least need a vehicle to escape the effects.
• GLOBAL: something that affects the entire planet. There’s nowhere to run.
  Knowing the duration and scope of a disaster will affect your planning. If, for example, you know an event is catastrophic, you know that you can wait it out. On the other hand, an apocalyptic event of localized scope might influence you to move to a safer area.

With that in mind, we will begin an examination of possible disasters, analyzing their duration, scope, preventive measures, and appropriate responses.

Alien Abduction (Localized Incident)
The taking of individuals by extraterrestrials for a variety of reasons. Abductions might be temporary or permanent.
Ordinarily, you might not be aware of an abduction until it has already started.

PREVENTION: Locked doors and windows migh go a long way to keeping this from hapening at home. Not being out in the middle of nowhere might be another.

RESPONSE: Fighting back might prove difficult when dealing with an advanced species. Just remember though, tha all living things have weaknesses, and can be killed.

ALIEN INCURSION (Localized Incident)
The alien incursion is the arrival of visitors without an overtly aggressive posture, such as scouts. World domination may not be the goal but a hostile force could easily follow. Especially from forces that are nervous about their low numbers.

PREVENTION: Live somewhere average, without nearby strategic or natural resources.

RESPONSE: Hiding is probably the best course of action. Just as you wouldn't be able counter a terrestrial army, you won't fare well against an extraterrestrial one. Concealment and stealth will be the weapons of choice, but don't forget personal weapons for "close encounters".

ALIEN ATTACK (Regional Catastrophe)
Whether it be interstellar war, retribution for a failed diplomatic meeting or gathering supplies from our wold, and alien attack, or invasion, is one of the most difficult disasters for the individual to deal with. The good news is that the invaders ae most likely not after individuals.

PREVENTION: Avoid living near factories, military targets or locations of strategic or natural resources, like lakes, crops, or cattle.

RESPONSE: Hiding is probaby the best course of action. Just as you wouldn't be able counter a terrestrial army, you won't fare well against an extraterrestrial one. Concealment and stealth will be the weapons of choice, but don't forget personal weapons for "close encounters".

ALIEN INVASION (Regional or Global Apocalypse)
Let’s face it, an alien invasion will forever change life as we know it- for one, great destruction is likely from a species capable of interstellar travel. For another, a lot of folks are going to be shook up by the idea we are not alone, and our cosmic brethren aren’t out giving space hugs.

PREVENTION: Unknown

RESPONSE: Hiding may work, but then again, invaders might eventually eradicate all life. A viable option might be to join up with other survivors for a fighting chance.

ANIMAL UPRISING
Nature gone astray, the animal uprising could range frm the very possible killer bee swarm to the unlikely rattlesnake rampage. It can be of a short duration, or be a permanent state of affairs. Localized or global.

The thing to remember is that animals are not as smart as people, but are not stupid. Any attacker should be treated as a clever predator that knows how to do its job quite well. In addition, an uprising may indicate a vast number of creatures working together.

PREVENTION: Obviously, living in a suburban area will reduce the type and number of wild animals you have to deal with. Keeping your home sealed against nature is another good idea. Waste disposal falls under the "olfactory stealth" category, and might keep you from being singled out by hungry animals.

RESPONSE: Never underestimate animals. They are often unpredictable and carry disease. Strike from a distance ifpossible. And never forget your greatest advantage: fire. We can use it they can't.

Additionally, here are some specifics for various types of animals

Ant swarm
Ants, like most insects operate in colonies, and can get in small spaces. Ensure ALL openings to your stronghold are secure. Ants particularly like sweets, so avoid leaving any out- ants have a great sense of smell. Ants also communicate with smells and can mark areas with messages for fellow ants.

The Birds
In addition to flight, don't forget birds have excellent eyesight. They also have hollow bones and not much body mass, so one-on-one, you should be able to make some mcnuggets. Avoid exposing yourself to sharp beaks and talons, and wear a helmet outside to protect yourself from diving attacks.

Spider swarm
Normally solitary creatures, a swarm of spiders would pose a disastrous opponent. Carrying venom and able to climb sheer surfaces, spiders could easily surround you. Remember though they act like insects and don't like smoke or fire. Or water.

Cryptids (unknown animals) (Localized Incident)
While a previously-undiscovered animal might seem scarey at first, remember it is just an animal.

PREVENTION: Don't go to unknown areas. Settle in a sturdy home that could repel known animals.

RESPONSE: See Animal Uprisings; try and stay undetected, and if you have t engage, strike from a distance, or utilize fire.

Examples:

GRABOIDS
These subterranean creatures swim through loose soil a easily as a shark through water. A tentacled tongue pulls pry into a mouth capped witha terrible beak. Extremely keen harin can detect the slighest vibration through the soil.
Avoid loose soil. Choose a home with a nice solid concrete foundation. In the wild, trave on rocks where possible, but remember that souns are transmitted throught the rocks into the ground.
Remember the graboids weakness is its hearing. Extremely sensitive to sounds, grabids can be overwhelmed by high decibel noises.

Shriekers

After abut 30, days, graboids hatch 3 to six bipeds from within their bodies. Travelling overland, these creatures "see" heat. While small, one is more than a match for a human, and they rarely travel alone. Shriekers also reproduce rapidly- coughing up fully formed babies once enough food is consumed.

Though dangerous, Shriekers are not able to resist even small arms fire, and can be killed with the same ease as any other animal of similar mass.

Ass-Blaster
The final stage in the Graboid life cycle is the flying A-B. Mutating after 2 days of life as a Shrieker, A-Bs glide through the air by propelling themselves with exlosive gasses emitted from their rears. Otherwise, they possess the same strengths, and weaknesses as Shriekers. ABs eat to produce eggs. It is unknown how many eggs they can produce.

SASQUATCH/YETI
In fiction, there have been a great many versions of this creature, many of which would be different species. Basically, a Sasquatch is a lager-than-an-sized anthropod, of great physical mass, covered in hair, possessing great physical strength and stealth.

GIANT ANIMALS (Localized or Regional Catastrophe)
There are instances when an animal grows to unusual proportions. Such a creature will cause far more problems, and may have congenital defects that make its behaviour even more dangerous. Being Giant-sized, the animal needs more food than normal and may have a wider range than expected.

PREVENTION: Avoid unexplored area, or areas that could harbor sleeping giants, such as deep lakes. Steer clear of areas with toxic waste that could mutate natural life.

RESPONSE: If you haven’t got a big gun, find a very safe place to hide. And stay out of this creature’s enviroment!
Examples: Crocodile, Snake

MONSTER ATTACK (Localized to Regional Catastrophe)
Monsters are those creatures that don't fall into other categories. They may be the result of lab experiments created by mutation or designed. They could be small, or building sized.

PREVENTION: As always, avoid unexplored areas, areas near labs or chemical plants- anywhere that could produce a monster.

Examples; Mutated bear, Sabertooth, cloned dinosaurs

SUDDEN ICEAGE (Regional or Global Apocalypse)
Let’s face it, a sudden ice age would greatly change life as we know it. A look at Greenland and the viking settlements there proves that.

PREVENTION: There’s a lot of hype about global warming, but the facts are that we haven’t been around long enough to know all of the dynamics of our planet’s cycles or our sun’s. When dealing with such planet-sized problems as a Sudden Ice Age, you can’t really do anything- other than be prepared.

RESPONSE: Stay warm. Move somewhere warm if you can. Odds are, you won’t outlive a sudden ice age, so you’ll have to adapt your lifestyle pretty severely.

UNDEAD UPRISING (localized to global, incidental to apocalyptic)
There is often a lot of confusion abut the difference between the undead and the Living Dead. For our purposes, they have been separated into two categories; the Undead and Zombies, based upon their behavior, and goals.

The Undead are beings that were once mortal, died and have been resurrected. They do not, for the purposes of this article, include zombies. The Undead may operate alone, or in large numbers, and usually have cognizance, and reason.

The Undead's origins could vary as well, but it is assumed that if something was truly dead, the only way to resuscitate it is by supernatural means. Science may produce a supposedly reanimated creature, but it is doubtful the claims are true.

PREVENTION: Aside from not going to or near graveyards, the simplest way to avoid the undead is to find religion. Given their supernatural status, it is safe to assume that Christianity is a deterrent to their presence.

RESPONSE: Being supernatural, the Undead may prove to be unstoppable. It is recommended that you use stealth and a bible and avid conflict when possible.

Examples; Vampires, Mummies

ZOMBIE OUTBREAK (localized to global, incidental to apocalyptic)
Traditionally, zombies are the living dead, shambling along slowly, with evil intentions. They might be the result of science or black magic. They could be intelligent, dumb as posts or somewhere in between. They might want to kill you or eat you.

PREVENTION: Unknown. People are everywhere, and zombies used to be people, so they could be anywhere. The best prevention is to always be prepared. Have a safe place you can hole up or hide.

RESPONSE: To really understand the appropriate response to zombies, you’ve got to look at the different classes of zombies:

ZUVEMBIE, or TRADITIONAL ZOMBIE: A singular man or woman, drugged and placed in a death like state, the Zuvembie was a means for witch doctors to terrorize or kill others. Weapons designed to kill people or animals should suffice, as long as you remember that a zuvembie won’t suffer rom shock or pain. A killing blow is needed.

ROMERO ZOMBIE: The creation of horror master George Romero, the Romero Zombie is a reanimated corpse, possessing trace memories of the deceased, limited motor skills and resistance to most weapons. The Romero Zombie does have a notable weakness however: it’s brain. While the bulk of internal organs are unnecessary, the brain controls it all, and without the brain, the Romero Zombie, dies for the last time. Romero Zombies often desire to eat living humans. Lacking internal organs, we can assume Romero Zombies are highly susceptible to the cold, as they are still mainly water.

LIVING DEAD: Another reanimated corpse, the Living Dead differ from Romero zombies in that they might be smarter and faster and most notably their bodies may continue to function despite the death of the brain. The living dead are cannibals, seeking humans to slay. Lacking internal organs, we can assume the Living Dead are highly susceptible to the cold, as they are still mainly water.

THE INFECTED: Not really dead at all, the infected are zombie-like beings, infected by a disease or chemical which causes them to emulate traditional zombie behavior. The infected might be cannibals, and are sure to possess the full range of motion and abilities normal humans possess. Immune to pain, the infected will prove harder to kill than a human.

DEADITES: By far the most dangerous of the zombie classes, Deadites are corpses reanimated by ghosts or demonic spirits, or even living beings killed by possession. Physical damage will not kill a deadite. At most it will render the deadite body unusable, whereupon the deadite, depending on it’s origins, may just move to another body. It is recommended that deadites be crippled or corralled rather than outright killed. Also, it is wise to remember a true deadite cannot be restored- the host was slain or dead at possession. Deadites may try to convince you they are not deadites as they have full access to the hosts memories. And there is the possibility that the foe you face is not actually a deadite, but merely a possessed being.

The End is here! Do you know what to do?

IMMEDIATE SURVIVAL ACTIONS, PART 3
TROUBLE AT HOME

If you're really lucky, when disaster strikes you'll beat home or almost there. Your home is your castle, and presumably- since you're reading this- you've planned ahead. But even with the best aid plans, there's still a lot you need to do.

IMMEDIATE DISASTER ACTIONS AT HOME

STEP 1: ASSESS
STEP 2: FORTIFY
STEP 3: PLAN OF ACTION
STEP 4: ARM YOURSELF
STEP 5: PREPARE FOR SIEGE
STEP 6: R&R
STEP 7: VIGILANCE


STEP ONE: ASSESS THE SITUATION

What is going on? Is a threat breaking down your door or do you have awhile? Obviously something has caught your attention that there’s trouble. Use your senses, or keep listening to the TV or radio- find out as much as you can, quickly.


STEP TWO: FORTIFY

If you're home, you should already have your doors locked and a basic perimeter set up you may need to do a lot more, like bar the door, barricade windows, close vents etc.


STEP THREE: PLAN OF ACTION

Once you know what's going on, and you're safe, you have to decide- stay or go? In most cases, staying where you are will be the wisest decision as:

• 1. you have supplies and preparations on hand
• 2. Nothing's happened to you yet, why tempt fate?
  
  

STEP FOUR: ARM YOURSELF

You may be fortified, and there's still a lot to do, but don't get caught with your pants down. Arm yourself against the threat at hand. Maybe that's getting out blankets in the case of a Sudden Ice Age, putting on good gooshing boots for Insect Uprisings, or breaking out a shotgun or cricket bat to fend off a Zombie Outbreak.


STEP FIVE: PREPARE FOR SIEGE

At home, you're likely to be there for awhile. But don't forget that everyday living is a lot different then holding off disaster.

• WATER: Start filling the bath tub, buckets whatever you've got. Clean water is a product of civilization and when disaster strikes it won't b around very long. You can go a long time without food, but not water. Act quickly to store what you can, while you can.
  
• PROTECT YOUR FOOD: Hopefully, you've stocked up with the proper goods but you still might have foodstuffs susceptible to spoilage. Put them in the fridge or a cooler, you'll consume hem first, but that might be awhile.
  
  

STEP SIX: R&R (Rest and Resupply)

You're safe, you've got supplies, now tend to your immediate needs. Treat wounds. Drink, Eat, collect your wits with a nice sit down. it may be awhile before you can do so again.

STEP SEVEN: VIGILANCE

Initially, this might sound like a long term action, not something to think about when disaster strikes. That’s foolishness.

You (and maybe your companions) may be safe and hidden away, but that could change. Make sure a lookout is available to check the perimeter and watch the world outside your home. You don’t want to be caught off guard.

If you're alone, don't overlook a schedule whereby you'll check over your fortress periodically. Make sure that you observe stealth if the situation calls for it.

The End is here! Do you know what to do?

IMMEDIATE SURVIVAL ACTIONS, PART 2

TROUBLE ON THE ROAD

The poopy has hit the fan and you're wondering if you're going to see another day. Do you know what to do?

One of the worst places to be when disaster strikes is on the road. Just ask anyone who’s been on a long drive during a tornado threat. While a highway overpass or a ditch might offer temporary shelter for a short-duration disaster, some events will call for much, much better.

And, if you're out and about on foot, horseback, or without any kind of enclosed vehicle, things can be even worse. If you have a mobile shelter, use the Away From Home steps, if possible. If you're on foot... get somewhere safe, fast.

Here are the immediate actions for when you’re on the road:

1. Determine what is going on- safely!

2. Get to a safe place

3. Assess

4. Fortify

5. Observe

6. Consume

STEP ONE: Determine what is going on- safely!

While this common rule applies to ANY disasterous situation, how you do it is going to vary greatly. When you were at work or the mall, or a friend’s house, assessing the situation might mean nothing more than peeking out the windows. Being out on the road, you're in a mobile window box, armed with a radio.

If you’re on the road, in a vehicle, odds are you’re behind the wheel. Pulling over and taking stock might be a good idea, or it could be terribly wrong. Rule of thumb: if you have someone with you, let THEM be the ones to figure out what’s happening- you keep your attention on driving safely. The last thing you want to do is wreck.

If you do have to pull over to listen to the radio or look around, keep the motor running, windows up and doors locked. At night, you might want to dim your lights so as to avoid drawing attention to yourself. And don’t pull over into an area that would require backing up. Stay alert while listening to the radio or looking around. Do not abandon your vehicle.

Good places to pull over might be under an overpass, or along the shoulder of the road. Avoid leaving paved surfaces that could get you stuck. Try not to stop in the middle of heavy traffic that could leave you boxed in.

STEP TWO: Get to a safe place

Once you’ve figured out what’s going on, you have to decide where you're going to go. You travel plans have changed. And now you have two choices: Stay with your vehicle, or abandon it.

Staying with your vehicle might give you the opportunity to drive away from what is going on. Then again, your vehicle probably doesn’t offer much protection from anything: the elements, attackers etc.

Can you make it home? Or is there a safe place nearby? And, you may not have a choice- there may be nothing nearby except you and your vehicle. If you decide to stay in your vehicle, but decide that you don’t want to be on the open road, find a safe place to park. Odds are, you aren’t driving a tank, so your vehicle has inherent weaknesses like glass windows, the radiator and those air-filled tires.

Most importantly, if you’re in a vehicle, park somewhere that protects you and your vehicle- you may need it later.

Avoid leaving the pavement, unless you have a vehicle that can go off road.


STEP THREE: Assess, Arm and Plan

How much fuel do you have? Are your tires in good condition? Do you have any supplies in your vehicle? Blankets? First aid equipment?

Do you know where you are? Do you know where you're going? Any alternate routes available?

If you've parked, is there a clear escape route from where you’ve parked? Is there a safe building nearby you could retreat into if you had to abandon your vehicle?

Do you have any weapons? A tire iron in the trunk, maybe? You might have to abandon your vehicle, so plan ahead on what you'll take with you and where you'll go.

STEP FOUR: Fortify

There's not much that can be done to make the average auto fortified anymore than it barely is. You can close windows and vents to keep out tiny critters and lock doors to keep out intruders.

If you parked, remember to be stealthy. Kill the lights and practice good noise discipline. If your vehicle is exposed, remember that there probably aren’t curtains to hide you. Alternatively, if you camouflage your vehicle, make certain it’s camouflage you can drive away from, immediately, without having to exit your vehicle to get going again.

STEP FIVE: Conserve

In a vehicle, you are bound to have far less resources than at home. As such, conserve what you have except for food and water. (See STEP SIX)

Don't drain your battery, don't run off your fuel.

In essence, your priority is keeping you and your vehicle operable for as long as possibe. By being in a vehicle, your focus is on mobility, rather than fortification.

STEP SIX: PIT STOP

Once your vehicle has been safeguarded, it's time to see to yourself. Treat any injuries. Hydrate. Eat. Drink what you have now, while you have it, to avoid fatigue and mistakes later. Rationing is a long-term survival tactic.

As for rest, get what you can- safely. Sleeping in a vehicle is hard to do when you're driving or even parked out in the open. Will your vehicle afford protection from the peding disaster?

If you have a companion, sleep in shifts. Even if they can't take a turn driving, they can watch over you as you sleep.

NEXT TIME: DISASTER AT HOME

THE APOCALYPTIC MOVIE REVIEW:

"SuperCroc" (2006)

OVERALL: 1 of 5

The first thing you’ll notice about this review is that there is no link to Amazon.com to buy yourself a copy. That’s because this movie isn’t worth watching.

Over the years, there have been a number of bad monster movies, but Super Croc, or as I like to call it, SuperCrap, is the reigning King.

And I don’t mean bad in a MST3K kind of way either.

Where do I start? How about sound? The copy I rented had TERRIBLE sound. It was hollow, with varying levels, as though mixed by a deaf person. Some dialogue was easy to hear, while other lines were so muted I had to just about turn the volume up all the way.

Next up, storyline. The film starts in a very confusing manner, with four soldiers searching along a river for something. After forcing myself to watch the WHOLE movie, I realize that what happened is that something was damaging the ecosystem, the military was observing the area, and they spotted something big, really big, so they send in a search team. Now that isn’t so hard to explain, yet the writer of this movie took over one-half of the movie to do so.

Next, let’s look at the premise: prehistoric crocodiles somehow have been living below ground, maybe in gigantic caverns, and one has been freed by recent earthquakes. It is rampaging around on the surface now, and is over 60 feet long and all but indestructible. And it's on it's way to L.A.

And talk about weak plot devices. In all the classic films, the Army comes out, unloads on monster and kills it, or has to keep scaling up their weaponry. In SuperCrap, the croc has wonder armor. It is resistant to small arms fire, armor-piercing, anti-tank rockets, bunker busters and gives the creature stealth capabilities (it can’t be detected on radar).

I have a real problem with that. I simply refuse to believe that anything organic could have armor superior to a tank, which is shattered by armor-piercing missiles. And being able to resist a bunker-busting bomb? That too is incredibly stupid. And lazy. Is this a Godzilla movie, or a giant crocodile movie?

But let’s not stop there. Additionally, the Supercroc is impervious to the most powerful anesthetic the Army can muster as well. An airborne anesthetic so dangerous they mention it could result in civilian casulties. Yeah... right.

And what about our Croc’s screen appearance? Laughable to say the least. Cutting edge computer graphics from ten years ago were apparently used to put the Croc into shots. I’d have preferred a live crocodile greenscreened into the shots. It would have looked better. We’re talking CGI worse than "Sabretooth" or even the recent "Lake Placid 2".

Does Supercrap have any redeeming qualities? Ordinarily a movie of this type at least has hot, college chicks scampering around in their bikinis. Not Supercrap. There’s one female national guardsman. Couldn’t say if she’s pretty, as she’s in her baggy uniform, with dirt and blood- smeared face peeking out from under a kevlar helmet the whole film.

But that does bring us to the film’s two actual good points. The first is uniforms and props. For once, the uniforms look good. Someone somewhere apparently got a hold of a bunch of surplus BDUs, web gear and the like, because the soldiers in the film almost look like real U.S. soldiers. And they are carrying U.S. weapons! Not barely disguised Eastern Bloc weapons because the film was made in Romania, for example.

And on top of the surprisingly accurate uniforms and weapons, there is a great deal of authentic stock footage. Alas, it suffers the 80s TV syndrome of mixing and matching. For example, a UH-60 is shown in flight, but when we cut to the characters in the helicopter, they are in a UH-1 mock up. Or there’s the F-18s that transform back and forth from F-18 to F-15 in flight. Good stock footage, it just wasn’t put together by someone that knew anything about military equipment.

And now, finally, we come to the end of this 85 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. (Okay, I cheated, it was so bad in spots I did fast forward a bit. Let’s say 70 minutes of my life). Let’s recap: Giant crocodile, impervious to weapons, rampaging around in California, on it’s way to LA. Short of nuking it, how will the Army stop it? Well, remember that lone female Guardsman? She’s from Florida, and knows all about crocs, having dealt with them. I know that technically alligators are crocodilians, but that is just a little confusing. Worse though, she points out that the Supercroc’s underbelly is it’s weak spot. She and another guardsman build a bomb that she then runs up, sticks to the bottom of the beast and then remotely detonates it.

What?!

That’s just ignorant. After failing to fell the beast with machine guns, surely someone would have tried lobbing a grenade or two at it. And why didn’t we get to see anyone try to shoot an anti-tank rocket down it’s throat?

This is just a terrible movie. Whoever’s responsible should be ashamed. If I ever get to meet them, I think I’ll ask for my rental money back. It stunk.

LESSONS LEARNED:
Foremost, that you shouldn’t watch this movie. How can we learn anything from such a stinker? Nothing was accurate or believable. But wait, there was one lesson. When patrolling along a riverbank, don’t turn your back on the water- you never know what could lurking under there. It's a shame a giant crocodile didn't eat the production crew before they finished this stinker.

WHAT WOULD BURT DO?
Well, the first thing Burt Gummer would have done, was pinch himself awake from this awful nightmare. Barring that however, here’s what Burt would recommend for dealing with a 60 foot crocodile:

Get to high ground. You can see further.

If you can’t penetrate armor, aim for eyes, nose, underbelly and open mouth.

Fire, it cooks your food and rampaging animals.

And finally, Burt would have figured out the bomb part about 20 minutes into the film, as we know how much he likes blowing things up.

THE APOCALYPTIC MOVIE REVIEW:

"The Valley of Gwangi" (1969)

At first, this film's title alone may have you wondering what it has to do with survival. The "Valley" part, right?

Actually, though, this 1969 classic features several survival lessons. But first, let's talk about the film in general.

If you've never seen it, Gwangi is a classic that has somehow avoided the dreaded remakeitis, DVD special edition and 40th anniversary.

Directed by Ray Harryhausen, this stop animation-heavy tale of cowboys and dinosaurs remains unique in the scifi genre-except for it's story, which is amazing. Reminiscent of "King Kong"- which is no real surprise when you consider it was written by Willis Obrien, the man who wrote Kong.

Our story begins with the sale of a supposedly-extinct eocampus prehistoric (mini) horse to a traveling wild west circus in the year 1900. By a gypsy turned circus cowboy. How's that for original?

Alas, the other gypsies predict that the curse of Gwangi will follow whoever has the horse and that it must be returned to the Forbidden Valley. The gypsies steal the horse and are chased into the desert by the circus cowboys.

Eventually, the cowboys find the little horse and it leads them into the Forbidden Valley. There, the cowboys are shocked to find living dinosaurs. Keen on capturing a critter that reminds one cowboy of a “plucked ostrich" they are further surprised to meet up with an allosaurus- the dreaded “Gwangi”, the former gypsy declares.

Now the cowboys are trapped in the valley, hiding in a cave with their horses, ala "Land of the Lost". Eventually though they are forced to flee Gwangi, who, in his recklessness, manages to get caught by the cowboys.

Now the circus has an act. And, like the tale of King Kong, they plan to show him to the world. Then Gwangi escapes at his debut, Rampaging the small Mexican town of his debut before the heroes prevail and Gwangi finally meets his match,

DEATHTOLL:
3 Gypsies
1 Gallimimus-like dino
1 Triceratops-like dino
1 Paleontology professor
? Unknown number of Mexican townsfolk
1 extra-crispy allosaur

OVERALL? 4 of 5
Cmon! It's Gwangi! The finest stop-animated film ever! It inspired scenes in Jurassic Park and who knows how many other films!

Despite being over 40 years old, this is a great flick that holds up well-especially compared to some of the crappers being produced by the Scifi channel.

Yes, there's a lot of boring talking. Yes, there's a whole subplot between the female owner of the circus and her newly-returned former beau. But considering how long it took to do all the stop animation scenes, I am amazed we get as much action as we do.

LESSONS LEARNED:
The folks in Gwangi are surprisingly smart. Unlike a lot of other film writers, Obrien relied upon misfortune to move the plot along- instead of having ignorant characters.

Trapped in a cave that the dinosaurs can't climb up into, but your horses can? Build a tigertrap out front. You might not catch a dino, but it's a good idea.

Lacking ammo to fight off the besieging Allosaur on your doorstep? Fashion wooden spears from local saplings. Use torches and fire to hold the beast back.

Your living gold mine allosaur escaped and is rampaging through town? Go to the most secure structure you can- in this case a gigantic stone-work church.

Rifles not stopping the allosaur? Go medeviel and unleash the mighty force of fire! Not only can you hurt your allosaur, but you might get lucky and collapse a building on him.

And finally, the most important rule- color code your weapons and ammo storage so you don't inadvertently charge into battle with blank ammo.

What Would Burt Do?
So, what would Burt Gummer, survival expert extraordinaire have done in the Gwangi situation?

Well, assuming Burt had accidentally ended up in a lost valley full of dinosaurs, you can bet he'd have been armed.

And, even if Burt's ammo was accidentally switched with blanks, Burt would not have fretted. Blanks do have real gunpowder in them. In the safety of his cavern, armed with a leatherman, handfuls of small gravel and some canteens, Burt could have whipped up some stone age grenades to teach Gwangi the error of his ways.

THE APOCALYPTIC SURVIVOR HALL OF FAME

You've watched them or read about them- characters with a knack for surviving unnatural disasters.

Their fictional exploits are for more than entertainment- they can inspire and educate you to survive the unexpected.

So, who belongs in the ASHoF?

First off, they must have survived at least TWO unnatural disasters. Surviving one time could be a stroke of luck.

Secondly, they had to have contributed to their own survival. Relying on someone else to carry them out just doesn't cut it.

Thirdly, they can't be the source of the disaster. Jason Vorhees survived a lot of mini disasters- but they were of his own making.

Exceptions? Well there might be an outstanding survivor out there who doesn't quite fit the rules, but who embodies the Survivor lifestyle. We'll call them Honorable Mentions.

Want to recommend an ASHoF Member?

Email apocalypticDIY@sbcglobal.net along with a detailed description of your nominee and WHY they should be nominated.

WEEK 1: THE FIRST INDUCTEE

BURT GUMMER

Tremors, Tremors 2:Aftershocks, Tremors 3: Back to Perfection, Tremors: The Series

The penultimate survivor from fiction has to be Burt Gummer, played by Michael Gross.

Prepared for the harsh post-apocalypse of WWIII, Burt and his wife were totally surprised by the appearance of the graboids in Perfection Valley, in 1986 (Tremors). Still, Burt improvised when his guns proved less effective than he wanted, quickly mixing up some black powder PVC pipe bombs to give the graboids explosive indigestion. Without Burt's firepower and bombs, the few survivors of the First Graboid incursion might not have made it out alive.

Fast forward several years later, and Burt is recruited by his former survivor alumni, Earl Bassett, to hunt rampaging Graboids in Mexico for a major oil company (Tremors 2: Aftershocks).

Armed to the teeth, Burt gleefully joins in the hunt. But once again, the unexpected strikes. The graboids mutate into fast-breeding Shriekers. Again, Burt's guns fail to save the day, so explosives will have to do. Earl and Burt destroy the Shriekers- and an oil refinery- stopping the Second Graboid Incursion.

A few years later, Burt returns from a successful mission to South America stopping the Third Graboid incursion. Settling into his fortressed home, Burt's respite is interrupted by a Fourth Graboid Incursion- again in Perfection! (Tremors 3: Back to Perfection)

While Burt leaps to the challenge, the Graboids turn to shriekers, then quickly turn into A-Bs; flame-farting, flying versions of the shrieker.

Sacrificing his home, Burt obliterates several of the A-Bs in one huge blast. Still others remain, and Burt and his two friends retreat to a junkyard, devising a simple plan to turn junk into improvised cannons- potato guns to be precise.

Flaming rods of junk are fired at the last A-Bs, ending the Fourth Incursion.

By this point, Burt's inclusion in the ASHOF is assured. But, Mr. Gummer's skills would again be tested in 2003 on the Scifi Channel's short-lived Tremors: The Series.

In Episode 3 (“Blast from the Past”), an A-B captured in Tremors 3 escapes it's captors and flies home to Perfection, catching the townsfolk by surprise. Burt and his new protege, Tyler Reed, develop a clever method to capture the creature: sky fishing.

In Episode 5 ("Project 4-12") Burt and friends are attacked by an escaped genetically-engineered bio weapon. When all other weapons fail, Burt improvises a flame thrower and teaches the beasty just how dangerous fire can be.

In Episode 6 (“Ghost Dance”), another genetically-engineered creature, that absorbs all water from it's prey is about to suck Perfection dry. Burt and Tyler rig up a super-vacuum, and suck the cloud-like being into cold storage.

In Episode 7 (“Night of the Shriekers”), Burt's survival lifestyle is put to the ultimate test when government-bred Shriekers go on rampage in Perfection. Holing up in his underground home with the townsfolk, Burt is forced to fight to defend his home. In he end, despite gunning down dozens and dozens of attacking shriekers, Burt again resorts to improvised explosives to save the day.

In Episode 9 (“Flora or Fauna”) a half-animal, half-plant is rapidly spreading around Perfection. If it’s killer spores escape the Valley, all of planet Earth might be in danger. Despite acid-spitting capabilities, Burt and his friends quickly devise a way to seek out and destroy the core of the huge, colony-like organism.

Eight instances of very unnatural disasters. Countless lives saved. Surely, no one else has such a survival record. If disaster ever strikes, make sure you have a Burt in your bunker, or at least ask yourself, “What would Burt do?”

THE APOCALYPTIC MOVIE REVIEW:

"The Birds" (1963)

A classic film, but kind of old, you might be thinking. Classic, yes, but not too old- there's a remake in the works, scheduled for release in 2009.

The Birds is, by modern standards, a cheesy B Movie (my apologies, Mr. Hitchcock). After recently rewatching The Birds, I realized that most of the Scifi Channel Movies I've been watching these past few years aren't so bad afterall- they're just outdated.

So, on to the movie...

The Birds is a novel concept, until you consider that attacking animal movies had previously been done in black and white (e.g. THEM!)

The story starts out with a rich girl who meets a San Francisco attorney, is smitten and follows him to his coastal, weekend home. He's flattered and they hit it off. (Today, she'd be considered a creepy stalker or a ho- things sure were diffeent in the 1960s)

Things begin to turn odd, occuring almost in the background as stalker gal explores the coastal town and meets the hero's friends and family.

First, a seagull swoops down and attacks the stalker, cutting her scalp. This innocuous attack is followed by more and more- progressing up to birds killing a man in his home.

By the time everyone realizes that, yes, the birds are banding together and attacking at seemingly random locations, it's apparently too late to leave town.

Hero and his stalker girlfriend, mom and little sister then decide to hole up in hero's home until things return to normal.

Thanks to forethought on the part of the scriptwriter (and the clever intervals between attacks), the hero has time to barricade his home-boarding up the windows and closing storm shutters.

There is a bit of nervous tension, then the birds attack, swarming the home by the thousands and subjecting the occupants to a near ear-busting cacophony of caws and calls. This reminded me of the scenes from war movies where men holed up in bunkers, stess over the sound of shelling, or submariners sweat out the dropping of depth charges from far above.

Despite wood planking, closed shutters and locked doors, the Birds somehow manage to almost get in. The hero has to swat away birds pecking at his windows to reach ouside and re-shut a storm shutter. Despite their lack of oppsoable thumbs, the attacking birds then reopen the window. This time, hero is clever and uses a nearby lamp's power cord as rope and ties the shutters closed.

After the first wave quiets down, and the survivors are catching a few winks, when stalker girl violates a major horror movie rule of thumb. Hearing what she thinks is a bird in the house, she goes off by herself to check things out, failing to tell the others.

Compounding her mistakes, stalker chic then opens a door that she quite clealy hears numerous birds on the opposite side of.

In the anti-climactic end, stalker girl is saved and she, hero, his sister and mom drive off into the sunset as the Birds sit around watching them (remember those intervals between attacks?)

OVERALL SCORE: 2 of 5

Hitchcock was a great director and the film looks really good. Alas, B-Movie fans don't care for all the yammering dialogue. And while the hero does do a few clever things, the convenient interval between attacks by the writers really weakens the movie. On top of all that, the hero just drives away, failing to have killed more than handful of the birds. I could have used a scene of some backhand smashes with a tennis racket to repel birds that broke inside. Or a skeet rifle downing ten or more birds swooping in for the kill. Something.

LESSONS LEARNED:
Don't run from attacking birds- they can fly faster than you. Run TO a safe place, not just AWAY from the birds.

Secure storm shutters. Closing them isn't enough- latch them enough a person couldn't pull them open.

Never separate from the group.

If something is amiss, alert the others.

Don't open doors if you think there is the slightest chance danger is on on the other side. Curiosity kills the cart.

Check the movie out now, I'm sure it won't spoil the remake, which is bound to be full of gratuitous violence and gory effects like eyeball pecks and finger snipping.